Susan Lucci Can Kiss My Kiester

I am sitting at my laptop
Trying to blog


But I can’t

Because out of the corner of my eye
I am staring at a contraption
I purchased in November
And have used three times

When I saw the infomercial
I was at once captivated and energized

I looked at the buff women,
Listened to their testimonials
Nodded my head
And whipped out my Visa

Susan Lucci, so tiny she can’t possibly be real,
made it look so easy.
Her perfect teeth
Her size 0 waist

I actually believed that if I bought this thing, I had a fighting chance to look like her.

A marketing ploy designed exactly for someone as naïve and desperate as myself.

A few days ago, Superman innocently asked

“Mommy, how come you don’t exercise on that thing anymore?”

I bit my tongue, hard, because the only thing that came to mind was

“Because, honey, your mommy is a big fat quitter, and someday, you’ll grow up to be one too!”

Instead, I smiled brightly, popped in the accompanying dvd




And sat on the couch to watch it.


What?

For the money I spent on the damn thing
I should be getting tone just having it in the room with me.








*Handsome, isn't it? Notice the plastic is still partially hanging off of the bottom. This baby has been in this locked position for over two months.*