Somewhere In the Middle

That is where I am

I don’t petition the government
Or write threatening letters to drug companies

I don’t tape record IEP meetings or have a panel of attorneys at my side
I don’t demand that the school district pay for horse therapy or expect hard working teachers to perform miracles

I stay awake at night, counting my blessings
Cursing the autism and epilepsy

I linger at the bus and watch Monchichi get buckled in
Struggling sometimes not to climb aboard and pull him off
Because I am afraid
Because I am selfish
Because I have no control

I walk back inside
At least three times a week
With tears running down my cheeks

I love my job
Surrounded by laughing loud children
Where I can rest for a little while

Even though, I find myself
Making comparisons
Wishing things were different
Dreaming that my best friend was his teacher

I speak kindly and make jokes
And try not to burn any bridges

I put him on diets that don’t work

I pray
but maybe not enough
And sometimes even that doesn’t make me feel better

I apologize too much
Make excuses
And stress out at playgrounds
Trying to keep his feelings from getting hurt

I wonder what they will say when they finally figure this out
And how we will feel when there is a cure

I smell his hair and kiss his cheeks and make him promises I hope I can keep

I am devastated when his younger brother pushes him for the first time (tonight)
I try to hide my fears for the future
their friendship
loyalty between brothers
and whether it will be enough

I go to bed
Hoping I did a good job
Wondering how it’s possible to love him even more than the day before

And I forgive his brother
Because I love him just as much

I am somewhere in the middle
Of pain
And anger
Acceptance
And hope

I am somewhere in the middle
of clarity
confusion
a calm chaos
in the center of a crisis

I am somewhere in the middle

At least for tonight.