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Monday, March 1, 2010

There Are A lot of Pissed Off Kids at the Happiest Place on Earth

Two weeks ago our family indulged in something we have wanted for some time:  annual Disney passports.
It cost almost as much as an average SoCal mortgage payment, but we justified it by stomping our feet and proclaiming that we "really really really really want it NOW!"  That seemed to work so I am considering adopting this method in all areas of my life (weight loss, finances, the last parking spot at Target before you have to take a city transit bus back to the store).  I'll keep you updated on my success.

I knew we would have fun once we started going.  I mean, it's Disneyland, for pete's sake*.  What I didn't count on was the insane amount of angry miniature human beings running around throughout the park; yelling, screaming, arching their backs in protest.  And no, I'm not talking about a mob of midgets with anger management issues.  I'm talking about children.  YOUR children.  Children who are supposed to be having a magical time in the land of fairy and fluff.  Children who should be basking in all that is mass-marketed and trademarked.  Children who ought to know that this grown up spent a significant amount of money to enjoy some well-deserved peace and quiet.  Sheesh.

Instead, for every two kids that are smiling there are ten that look almost homicidal.  Seriously.  Who wants to stand in a two hour line with Children of the Corn?

Since I would rather not touch the dishes in my sink or pack lunches conveyer-belt-style for tomorrow, I have snuck into the computer room and come up with a list of ways to prevent a total meltdown on your next trip to Disney.  So pay attention.  Because trust me; my meltdowns are known to leave marks.

1.  Your baby is 2 hours old.  It doesn't even know it's alive yet.  Please exit the park and don't come back until after the umbilical cord has been cut. 

2. You know how everytime you shove your kid next to a gigantic 8 foot replica of a cartoon he watches from the safety of his couch at home and he looks like maybe he's having a mild coronary while you adjust your lens and bark at him to smile and he maybe pees and/or poops a little in his pants and begins to sob uncontrollably?  Are you high?  Knock it off.  A life-sized Goofy scares the #$%% out of most adults, let alone a toddler with incontinence.

3.  Sticking a 6 year old on Barf On Me Mountain is funny when I'm watching it on YouTube, not when she's sitting right behind me on the ride.   Just because your child meets the height requirement for riding DeathByShinyCatapult doesn't mean you should actually put her on it.  A good indicator that she's probably not the best candidate: she gets motion sickness from earth orbiting the sun.

4.  If there's anything flourescent coming out of any orifice, please leave your child at home, your local grocery store, or the nearest well-lit street corner.  I don't care.  Just don't bring him near Mickey and friends.  Given the state of our economy, they may put the old mouse down rather than pay the deductible on his health care plan if he happens to get a bad case of the sniffles.  Let's not risk it, okay?

I think that just about sums it up.

I'm sure though, that as the year progresses and we have more opportunities to visit America's favorite playground, new and improved tips will be coming your way regularly.

You're welcome.

*Who the hell is Pete?

**Disclaimer
Disneyland did not pay me for this review.  In fact, it cost a #$#%load of my own money to come to the conclusion that I'll have way more fun after you leave.**

7 comments:

Andrew said...

St. Peter.

Lisa said...

I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants! Seriously you are an awesome writer! You make my day happy even if you are not writing about happy. It is just nice to know there are mom's out there that understand me! God bless you, KEEP it up, very good writing!!

Jeff said...

I would like to nominate two more groups of people who should be denied entry into the park. The first is an extension of your umbilical group, anyone whose kid has to spend the entire day in your Jeep, Hummer or Porsche stroller you should be asked for $500 and then asked to leave. Why $500? Because if you have enough money to buy a name brand stroller from a company that makes cars, you should be able to spare $500 so that I can go buy a Huge Boss suit to sue you in for clogging up the Disneyland streets and ride lines with those beasts you call strollers. The second group are those people who own, borrow or rent the electric scooters. If you are 400 lbs and need a scooter you should be forced to abandon said scooter at the gate and walk, for your own damn health, from ride to ride. I don’t have a problem with you taking up the whole Small World boat due to weight limits, but I do have a problem with your honking and running over my foot. Your biggest fear in the park is from me yelling at you and having Dumbo break down because the hydraulics are now shot. Bummer of a day for you.

PS Those teen punks who rent the scooter for the day should all be taken into a back room and have their parents called to pick them up. That is a cheap and immoral way to buck the system. It makes me feel so good when I move their scooter to another ride entrance when they get on the Matterhorn hehe.

SweetNDoe said...

This is Aunt Dorene from the Keeseville. I to am laughing so hard that I almost peed my pants. :) I am going to pass along those rules to some people I know who work for Walt Disney World in Florida. They may not be able to change the rules, but I am sure they will get a big laugh out of them too.

JJ said...

This is so hilarious! You are so on point! This is why I avoid the "Happiest Place on earth". Its been 15+ years since I've been and until Presley BEGS and pleads with me, I am going to continue to avoid it like the plague. :)

PS: I enjoy reading your rants Jo!! So So much!! Nothing like a good laugh and a rant!

N8JoJake's Mom said...

Did you know that if you have a child with autism you can get a gate assistance pass at City Hall and you don't have to wait in line?

nikki said...

Hi there, I wrote this poem for friends of mine 13 yrs ago for their son who was 2 at the time. Thought I would share it with you.

A little boy.

He is a little boy, blind, mute and paralyzed.

He can’t see the love in your eyes,
He can’t tell you that he loves you,
And he can’t run into your arms.

But he touches you everywhere,
Speaks to your heart with just his smile,
And he sees you in everything you do for him.

I hope there is some comfort in these words for you and the other parents who read your blog.