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Friday, April 30, 2010

Crap I Didn't Know Until I Became A Mom

In no particular order, a sample of the kind of wisdom that is bestowed upon mothers everywhere, usually sometime between the last push and high school graduation.  It is, much like our most coveted role as MOM, in constant progress.

1.  You can get stretch marks anywhere.  As in, anywhere.  Go ahead.  Take a look around.  I'll wait.

2.  Half a soggy chicken nugget, three goldfish crackers, and half a cup of hydrogenated something or other will and can pass as your dinner.  On a good day.

3.  A little pee in the tub never hurt anybody.

4.  Playdates are better if you don't have to stay.

5.  If the urge strikes, and you have to go to the bathroom, and the newborn is crying and the toddler is whining, you will kick into survival mode; the baby on the boob, the toddler on the lap and the air freshner on standby.  It's either that, or Depends, my friends.

6.  Your offspring doesn't care if you have a 102 fever and your insides are turning into molten lava.  These kids are the meanest, most unrelenting bosses you will ever have.  You thought that Manager at Kinko's (the one with butt breath and no concept of personal space) gave you hell for calling in sick?  HA!

7.  "Mommy!" doesn't sound quite as precious when it's being hollered out at 2:00 a.m. between violent bursts of vomit a la Linda Blair. 

8.  Pregnancy weight becomes just good old fashioned FAT if it's still there when your son is pulling out of the driveway on his way to college. 

9. If you don't already have a degree in Engineering, and you are considering becoming a mother, you should register at your nearest university and get one, just in case you ever have to take apart and then put back together your 12-in-1 stroller/carseat/poopchute/child restraint combo.

10.  Summer.  Exact opposite from "SUMMER!!", which is what it was when you were a kid.  This is S......u.....m.....m.....e....r.  As in 8 weeks of no school for your kids.  As in, they are around all day long.  As in suddenly a 9 to 5 telemarketing job selling comprehensive breath treatment packages for hamsters sounds like a dream come true.




3 comments:

Lisa said...

Funny!

Lydia said...

I really enjoyed this post! It's as if you've been reading my diary! Oh yeah, I didn't know you can get stretch marks behind your knee. BOO!

Indy said...

So true! And I wish for thunderstorms so my kids' baseball games will be canceled. :)