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Sunday, July 27, 2008

Lost in Thought

I am hiding from the world this weekend. I have spent more time in my bed in front of the television than I care to admit. I have watched way too many movies that I have already seen.

I have not worn a bra since Friday.

Maybe it's a mini-meltdown. A quiet one. There is no kicking or screaming. Just exhaustion and a million thoughts racing through my head. Even Erin Brokovich couldn't keep me from thinking the thoughts that wear me down and erode at my inner peace and tranquility.

I am tired.

And the inner dialogue that consumes me on a daily basis leaves me feeling anything but balanced and serene.

"Am I good enough?"

"What if they find out I am a total fraud?"

Will the plane crash on August 5th? There hasn't been a plane crash in a really long time and we are due for one." Will it be ours?"

Who am I kidding? Why am I even meeting with this author next Saturday. She's gonna laugh me right out of Starbucks. Who says I'm good enough to publish?"

"I am tired. I don't want to do parent training. Yes, I love monchichi, and I want to do what is best for him but I don't feel like bucking up and doing three hours of autism-related training."

"Why does monchichi have autism and seizures? What happened? Why is Superman, born only 18 months later, free from this awful disorder. WHO's FAULT IS IT?"

"Why is food the first thing I turn to when I feel like this? Why not a bike ride at the beach or a salsa class? I need to step out of my comfort zone."

"Why do I insist on questioning my husband's disciplining methods with the kids? They are his children too. I do not know everything."

"Do you know how lucky you are that your child can talk and play with other children and go to a normal class and will probably fall in love and get married and live a normal life? Why are you complaining to me about something so trivial?"

"I am not in control. I need to surrender. I hate surrendering. I want to be in control."

Time elapsed: 10 seconds.

I need to get my butt off this chair, shut down my computer, and go do something productive/fun/ with my children.

I should shower first.

Think of starving children in Africa. Think of countries where women and children are treated like second-class citizens. Think of electricity at the flick of a switch. Think of sunshine and warmth and your cat laying next to you purring because she feels safe and comfortable around you. Think of your husband outside working on your car in the heat so that you have a safe ride to get you from A to B. Think of your sister in NYC, missing her family, trying to find herself, confused and scared. Think of your blessings. There are so many. Think of God guiding you as long as you are quiet enough to listen.


Better.



1 comment:

OHmommy said...

I too, have asked myself many of the same questions.

Know that you are not along in this journey, Jo. You are doing an amazing job and you a strong woman. Much stronger then me.