Some people don’t trust
their next door neighbor
their significant other.
I don’t trust
I wait in earnest, each day, for it to fail me.
Holding my breathe in anticipation,
a flicker of pain,
a persistent twitch,
an unwelcome jolt of Something Is Wrong
Each. and Every. One.
Waking in the morning
pleasantly surprised I’ve made it through the night.
Going to bed each night
apprehensive I may not make it till morning.
My heart pounds as I ride another wave of fear, trying to fold myself into it’s rising crest, knowing that if I struggle and fight back, the odds of drowning are greater.
let you see
So I stand upright, laugh at your jokes, make solid eye contact
while the world blurs and I wonder if 911 would get here in time
in case $%*! hit the fan.
And then, an almost euphoric calmness; the wave collapses over me and I am an exhausted mess.
Thrilled to have made it out alive again.
Terrified of the next time.
A world that continues to shrink
while I watch from behind the glass
of a car I cannot drive past 60
Indebted to a
running out of excuses
flights and late nights
wrapped in freedom
instead of fear