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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Ten Things I Learned at My Oprah Audition

Recently I bragged that I was going to do this, and fulfill my destiny of becoming rich and famous. 

jo Oprah

I stand before you today, neither rich, nor famous, and with a slightly bruised and battered ego.

Here’s what I learned from my short-lived quest for fame.

10. I was not the only one to get the memo about this event, held at the Laguna Hills Kohls.  Apparently, most of Orange County knew about these auditions; so did a sprinkling of folks from Chicago, Hong Kong, and Australia.

line at Oprah

9.  Everyone there thought they were the next big thing and ripe with talent.  Everyone.

8.  The weirdoes always get the interviews.

cardboard lady at Oprah

7.  You can make friends with other funny, spontaneous, talented people while waiting  in long lines, even though you’re competing against one another.

 

jo at Oprah

6.  My husband loves me.  And believes in me.  Even when I don’t.  That’s pretty rad.

Mikey at Oprah audition

5.  The camera adds way more than ten pounds.  More like 65.3 pounds to be precise.

4.  Life: It’s all about Confidence, people.

lady from Oprah

3.  I am not defined by a thirty second audition in front of an over-animated, visibly disinterested, slightly moody assistant producer and thirteen other wannabe television hosts.

2.  Unless of course I make a lasting impression and am chosen for the show (which I didn’t and wasn’t).

1.  The whole thing sort of made me feel dirty and cheap.  We had to scream and wave and jump enthusiastically every time a giant camera on a crane came swinging by, which sucked for many reasons but mostly because every time I waved I could feel my arm fat jiggling back and forth and I just KNOW that out of all of the day’s footage, they’re going to somehow end up slow-mo-ing my giant, jiggling, waving arm for their promos.  Eventually I just felt like an attention whore.  Which is different when I actually am the center of attention at a small and intimate gathering with close family and friends who clearly love and appreciate my presence. In other words, I’m all about being the one getting all the laughs.  On Saturday though, I was one out of thousands who was trying to get noticed by someone, anyone, and frankly, I don’t need that kind of validation…………..oh who am I kidding.  I’m just bitter.  If they had called me over and told me to stand on my head and spin flaming hula-hoops in alternating directions from my ankles, while wearing a faux rabbit fur bikini, I totally would have.

Because

You just don’t say no to Oprah, people.   

 

***By the way, Oprah, thanks for splurging on flushing porta-pottys!***

 

 

 

5 comments:

Cláudio J. Gontijo said...

Jo.

I am a Biologist and Teacher in Brazil. I'm going through pages to invite people to visit our Verde Vida. Our theme is the environmental cause.

Thank you very much

modchik said...

Oh Jo that made me chuckle... when I was an audience member I kinda felt that way too -- you basically turn into a fan zombie doing jumpy claps at the drop of a cue! Well on the upside - an AWESOME blog post! Its all good and why not just start your own Vlog!?

Julie Jabbers said...

I don't think you're bitter, funny! And, Oprah probably wasn't even around.

Kate said...

jo you are so funny! you know when i take the girls to auditions i kind of feel the same way you did. And trust me my kiddos were up for Good Luck Charlie on Disney Channel I was so bummed out when we did not get picked and i saw who did. I would have been your cheerleader if it would have made you get that gig momma! i did not know about the audition do i live under a rock? LOL

Veeda said...

i found your blog from a link on blogher. Your experience is eye opening and so sincere. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!