So, have you ever had the feeling that you were predestined to be something…..great? That there was a preordained path for you and all you had to do was go in search of it and it would lead you to your life’s calling? No? Always knew you were going to be the guy that pumps out the porta potties on construction sites did ya?
Well I have.
I’ve always felt that I was predestined to be filthy rich. And famous.
Now, I’m not sure exactly when, but at some point between birth and the present, I misplaced my directions to Rich and Famous and ended up on a winding and mostly uphill path towards Middle-class and Ordinary. This simply won’t do. I am meant to be someone of influence. Someone of power. Someone who can afford to carelessly throw away underwear after her son has had a potty accident instead of trying to salvage them because they cost $5.99 per three pack and that sure adds up; someone who drives a limited edition something or other and not a car that puts me through this.
And then today, I opened up my computer when I got home from work and saw THIS. My ticket out. Or in. Whatever. In any case, it’s an opportunity to get back on that path towards an overindulgent lifestyle that is only annoying and socially frowned upon by those who can’t afford to participate in it. In other words, I’m going to use $100 dollar bills as fly swatters.
But I need your help.
I need an angle.
I figure, what with my myriad of knowledge on important subject matters such as: OCD, Panic, Autism, Immigration, and Weight Control Issues (just to name a few), I may never need an actual guest. I could just interview myself. Everyday. Which would be…..magical.
So help a soon-to-be celebrity out. Even if you’ve never commented before, now’s your chance to come out of your creepy little hiding spot and give back to a good cause. Me.
Because I need your ideas, your support, and most importantly your compliments. I’m not gonna lie. Flattery will most likely secure you a spot in the inevitable entourage that will form once Oprah and I are likethis.
Open auditions in Orange County are being held at the Laguna Niguel Kohl’s on Saturday, June 19th. I know you’ll be rooting for me. I mean, unless you wanna give it a shot.
We both know that would be a colossal waste of time, don’t we?
So, let’s be realistic and focus on me again.
Because Destiny is calling.
And I’m sure as hell listening.