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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Beauty Pageants and Barf

 

I know what you’re thinking.

“I wonder how Jo is doing with her vertigo?  Also, what’s the deal with beauty pageants for little girls? They’re just creepy.”

The answer to your first question is that I’ve started physical therapy to try and help alleviate some of the more bothersome (read frickin annoying) symptoms.  Once a week I drive to a state-of-the-art facility where I willingly allow a certified neurological clinician with a smart blonde bob make me dizzy by having me engage in various vestibular strengthening exercises while she stands by with a barf bucket.  My guess is she gets paid by the bucket because the bitch is ruthless and just for that I’m going to keep my vomit to myself.  HA!

As far as beauty pageants for little girls, I’m pretty perturbed by it myself.  In fact, I was watching the We channel this afternoon and came upon this show. 

What. The. Frack.

Is it even legal to airbrush someone under 18?

I suggest you write to your local congressman or woman (or local Walmart, really) and ask them to ban

1. Aqua Net

2. 5 inch heels made in size 3

3. Toddler Halter Tops

4. This Guy

5.  Makeup that is labeled anything like the following:

“Playground Purple”

“Luscious Lolita”

“Gerber Blemish Stick”

and “Recess Red.”

I also have some key points for the judges of these pageants:

1.  When you ask a four year old what her favorite color is and she responds with “doo doo,” that does not qualify as an “interview.”

2.  Judging a six year old on poise is like judging a man on his ability to multi-task.

3. How do you sleep at night? (Probably with your Miss Bloomingfield’s Backyard Butternut Squash Bonanza 1987 crown atop your pretty little hair sprayed helmet head).

So, the bottom line is physical therapy can suck it, and mothers who put eyeliner and push up bras on their kindergartners are a special kind of crazy.

The kind you back away from, very very slowly.

Until next time, “elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist.”

 

2 comments:

Lisa "Spiral" Niemann said...

You are entirely too awesome! I think better yet.. you should miss the bucket entirely and aim for the shoes!

Taylor-Ann said...

Amen sister. Those pagents should be banned for little girls.