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Showing posts with label alcoholism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alcoholism. Show all posts

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Lumberjacks are people too

In an effort to keep from rolling myself into the fetal position and giving in to the voices inside my head, I've convinced an innocent woman new therapist to take me on as a patient.  I found her through my network provider website, and picked her out of dozens of names because of her close proximity to my house and the fact that she specializes in crackheads life-challenged people like myself.  The good news is, when I called my insurance company and they looked up my modest list of diagnoses, I found out I qualify for something called "severe, lifelong, debilitating, she'll probably end up in a padded room someday mental illness status," which means I get unlimited, year-round access to a shrink! 

It's been years since I had this kind of therapy, my parents having spent the majority of my teens busing me between licensed professionals who promised them they were fully capable of excorsising the demons that had turned me into an unbearable heap of hormones.  I resented them for forcing me to talk to these strangers about my innermost thoughts, strangers who, quite honestly, came across as needing some kind of mental interventions themselves. So I've avoided therapy like the plague.  Plus, it's not like anybody ever freaked out over a little ocd, panic, alcoholism, depression, and agoraphobia, right?

But in light of the recent craptastic events which have occured around here, including Andrew's health problems, quitting a job I loved, and not winning the lottery for like the 100th time in a row, I decided it was time to give therapy another try. And so far, I have to say, it's going pretty well.  We seem to get along, my therapist and I, except when she tries to give me unsolicited advice. I get plenty of that from my mother; I don't need to go out and pay for it, know what I mean?

Oh, that and the other day she told me a story about a man who was chopping wood and gathering water when he suddenly became enlightened.  Despite this, however, he continued on with chopping wood and gathering water.  So far I've gathered that:

1.  This man was a moron.  He should have become enlightened while he was napping or getting a massage
2.  She wants me to go out and buy an axe
3.  I'm going to need to relocate near a river of some sort.

And even though I don't really know how becoming a lumberjack will solve my fear of malls and dangerous situations, such as going to a Denny's outside of my immediate neighborhood, I trust this woman to help me get over my phobias and learn to live again.

Unless she starts mouthing off and giving me her opinions.
Then all bets are off.

Because nobody likes a know-it-all.

Monday, November 8, 2010

A Picture Worth the Pain it Brings

There is a photo that hangs
in her bedroom
tucked in a frame she bought
when she still shopped at walmart

It sits there
against the calm of the forest green wall
the color chosen by her husband
a man willing to paint the walls hot pink
if she so desires

She walks by this photo often
as she brings in the laundry
or
on her way to the shower
or
while she ushers the children away
and
playfully leads her husband inside

But it is today
on her way past the photo
that she pauses
long enough to stare into the lightness of her youngest son's eyes
the black palm trees and sunset hues of his hawaiian shirt
a perfect reminder of
the mid-June luau that ended his first year of preschool
a perfect reminder
of other things

She closes her eyes as she stands before this photo
and remembers vividly
the events of this life changing day

A mother among mothers
her smile strained against her lying lips
graciously thanking teachers
making playdates she never intends to keep
though she takes the time to take this photo
her pride for her son in stark contrast
to the hatred she has for herself

She goes home on this day
and opens the wine a little earlier than normal
"in celebration" she tells herself
though she does not feel joy but pain

She is drunk by the time he is home
no dinner on the table
the children perched in front of the television
stale snacks littering the floor
she avoids his gaze
because she has broken her promise again
waiting for him to retreat so she can continue pretending
everything is
just as it should be

but he is tired this time
fed up this time
tells her to go to hell this time
and for some
unknown
inexplicable
baffling reason
she believes him this time

The memories fill her up
turn her inside out
confine her for a moment
and she forces her eyes open before
they consume her completely

She stands in front
of this photo
taken on the day
when the world fell apart
then made sense again

a photo she keeps
to give her the courage
to remember
a day
she cannot afford
to forget