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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

oh andrew.

oh andrew.
It has been a steady decline
gaining momentum in the last few months
and two weeks ago, you could no longer finish out your school day
mommy driving to pick you up, before lunch
carrying you in my arms past laughing children
biting my tongue all the way to the car
because some of the things that want to escape my lips
wouldn't sound very nice

We need answers
and no one has any
my belief in those white lab coats
fading fast
Look Me In The Eyes When You Speak About My Son

A new setback
forces us to reside
in room 529
I brought your portraits
the ones where your eyes shine
and they captured that smile
the one I haven't seen in
much
too
long
I brought those portraits
just in case
someone makes me out to be a fool
when I tell them
that you are
disappearing on me

I made an exectuive decision tonight
waited until you drifted off to sleep
and left you in the arms of your daddy
because I am tired
and not as brave as some say
and the walls were closing in on me today
so I needed some fresh air

I am home now
with Ian
who needs me too
(though it's hard to believe when I watch how strong he is, that you two are even related)
and guess what?
Someone sent us a box of Christmas presents
and
we
opened them!
and it felt so good
(we will bring yours tomorrow)
and we sprayed whipped cream
straight into our mouths
and we giggled
and it felt good
and i feel guilty

Oh Andrew!
Oh baby!

I will see you first thing in the morning
and we will make this right
because there is no other option
and i love you
and i love you
and
i
love
you
so much

oh.
andrew.

28 comments:

Amy said...

No guilt! You are doing a great job, mom, for both your boys.

THE Disneyland Mom said...

Oh, Jo. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are doing a wonderful job mothering both of your boys. Stay strong, Mommy.

modchik said...

oh I need Kleenex my heart is breaking for you I know this is extremely stressful, painful and maddening. Praying for answers and that the right doctors with the right answers FIND you.

Angela @ Nine More Months said...

Jo! I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I hope things will get better soon, and if you need anything PLEASE don't hesitate to let me know. <3

Jenn-Anne said...

Just clear as a bell, Jo..as usual.

Marcy Massura said...

Its just all so hard. Life is so damn hard Jo. hang tough.

Kat said...

Jo, this brought tears to my eyes. Lifting you and your family up in prayer. Stay strong mama.

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food said...

I feel your pain, both because your writing is wrenchingly eloquent, and also because I have been there. Hang in there, Mama.

kathleenssugarandspice.com said...

Many people are thinking and praying for you and your family. I wanted to let you know I am one of them. Warm healing ((hugs))to everyone in room 529.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful piece. Truely .
There is no pain worse than the one a mother suffers when her beloved child is sick. My heart goes out to you.

Mama Kat said...

You're making us all cry. I love you and your babies...and I don't even know you.

Pam said...

And I know he can't express it, but Andrew adores you and it IS your strength that is getting him through this. I saw it yesterday, first hand, what you are made of and it is tough stuff. You are in good hands at CHOC and I am here WHENEVER you need me. Even if it's just to bring you clean underwear. Forget the Marines, it's you who is the trooper. Praying for you. Today and always, girl!

OHmommy said...

Much love to your entire family. We've been praying hard. XO

Megryansmom said...

I came at the request of Pauline. Much love to you and your family, I'm praying for Andrew.

Jeff said...

So sorry for all you are enduring...
I understand something of your frustration... My wife, Kim, has been very ill for over 8 years now... lost all faith in the white coats, because they have not one clue what is wrong with her. Severe neurological issues, neuro-motor as well... in a wheelchair since December 2005, but issues and partial disability long before that...
Praying for you today, that our Lord may hold you and Andrew close to His heart, and that there will be peace, comfort, healing and provision for each and every need...
With love, compassion and hope...
J

Krista said...

During times like these, we may feel as though our strength, faith, hope and patience has disappeared. But you'll be surprised to find that these qualities still reside within you, and they will shine through when you most need them to. I'm sending you warm hugs and a thousand prayers today. Wishing all the best for you and your family!

Jessica said...

I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but I will definitely be praying for you!

Marinka said...

Sending love and prayers. I'm thinking of you and your family. xox

Jessica said...

Sending thoughts and prayers! I hope that the holiday season will bring joyous news by the lab coats to your family.

foolery said...

Of course you don't feel brave, of course you don't feel strong -- because you just keep fighting and giving and lifting and carrying. From the other side of the mirror, however, you appear to be Hercules. Wishing you all my available bravery and strength when you need more,

Laurie

Dziadek said...

Joasiu
Bardzo mi Ciebie zal Dziecko,jestesmy z Toba i modlimy sie za Ciebie,synka jednego i drugiego i cala Twoja rodzine
Janek

just another manic mom-day said...

I, too, came here at the request of Pauline. I hope you may find comfort in the fact that you are surrounded by love and faith- you are supported when you feel like you are faltering- God bless you and your family. You will be in our prayers.

flutter said...

My heart. Oh, it hurts for you

Heather said...

I know that your Andrew is in there, praying hard that you guys find him soon. ((Hugs))

(OHmommy sent me and I am so glad she did)

maggie, dammit said...

This gutted me. Thank you for the peek.

Ann Imig said...

We are all here, depositing energy in your reserves.

Sending you peace and strength and more canned-whipped-cream laughter.

Lisse said...

Maggie pointed me here.

Oh, my heart hurts, but I'm sure you know that you are not alone even though it feels that way sometimes.

TwoBusy said...

This is wrenchingly, impossibly sad.

Holding out hope for Andrew, for you, for your family. For answers. For anything that will help make things better.