A Picture Worth the Pain it Brings

There is a photo that hangs

in her bedroom

tucked in a frame she bought

when she still shopped at walmart

It sits there

against the calm of the forest green wall

the color chosen by her husband

a man willing to paint the walls hot pink

if she so desires

She walks by this photo often

as she brings in the laundry

or

on her way to the shower

or

while she ushers the children away

and

playfully leads her husband inside

But it is today

on her way past the photo

that she pauses

long enough to stare into the lightness of her youngest son's eyes

the black palm trees and sunset hues of his hawaiian shirt

a perfect reminder of

the mid-June luau that ended his first year of preschool

a perfect reminder

of other things

She closes her eyes as she stands before this photo

and remembers vividly
the events of this life changing day

A mother among mothers

her smile strained against her lying lips

graciously thanking teachers

making playdates she never intends to keep

though she takes the time to take this photo

her pride for her son in stark contrast

to the hatred she has for herself

She goes home on this day

and opens the wine a little earlier than normal

"in celebration" she tells herself

though she does not feel joy but pain

She is drunk by the time he is home

no dinner on the table

the children perched in front of the television

stale snacks littering the floor

she avoids his gaze

because she has broken her promise again

waiting for him to retreat so she can continue pretending

everything is

just as it should be

but he is tired this time

fed up this time

tells her to go to hell this time

and for some

unknown

inexplicable

baffling reason
she believes him this time

The memories fill her up

turn her inside out

confine her for a moment

and she forces her eyes open before

they consume her completely

She stands in front

of this photo

taken on the day

when the world fell apart

then made sense again

a photo she keeps

to give her the courage

to remember

a day

she cannot afford

to forget