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Monday, September 20, 2010

A Nightmare of Sorts

I had a dream last night

that you were drowning

as I stood

helplessly

safely

onshore next to your brother

Your tiny body fighting to stay afloat

in a ruthless sea that didn't give a $#$%

about how much I loved you

or that my world would come to a screeching halt

if you were to be taken from me

and each time i tried to make my way

towards your flailing arms

the water would swell in defiance

the ambivalent wind howling at my back

while I shouted profanities at the little faith in God I had left

wondering which sins I was being punished for

as you were being swept away from me

a fragment of my tattered imagination, I know.

Do you hear me?

I Know

that it's just the subconcious

acting out the fears

of a mother

facing uncertainties about her son's future

Still,

I awaken drenched in horror

my eyes fixated on your sleeping profile

my heart and my brain trying hard to reason with one another

because here you are safe and sound, tucked quietly under my shaking arms

yet I am still standing on that rocky shore

watching those ferocious waves

sickening reminders that

you are

not living

your life

on
my
terms

3 comments:

JJ said...

As a mommy and as your friend this COMPLETELY tore me up. I am sorry you are feeling this way but I totally GET YOU. I dont even want to imagine your fears. I have TONS of irrational fears daily so I dont even want to wrap my brain around the enormity of yours. Your love, devotion, and even your panic swell my eyes up. Hang in there girl!

ThePeachy1 said...

My son is 18 and this shook me to the core. This is exactly how I feel about his life. Everyday.

chai am woman said...

loved reading this... touching and haunting. i'm probably not in the same shoes but i can definitely relate to similar feelings just as a mother.