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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sometimes Confessing is Half the Battle

There is an ugly side to this mommy.

Sometimes, she comes out while in public places, as she anticipates strangers' reactions to her silent son, obessing whether or not someone may think he is rude, selfish, stupid.

She shows up during conversations with other mothers, as they complain about the mundane, comparing notes on achievements, professing their child's genius as they sip their overpriced nonfat lattes.

She lingers on the playground, scrutinizing the neurotypical peers surrounding her precious boy, ready to defend his honor should some snot-nosed-know-it-all make him a target of sneers and stares and "retard" jokes.

Her hands clench as the fridge door opens for the hundredth time that day, the string cheese in his hand his latest obsession.  She watches as he rolls it across his chest, the tiny snack no longer edible, his interest piqued for only seconds, as he searches for something new to quench his angst.

And sometimes
she comes apart
in silence
like when
she stares at a photo
of a child
that could not possibly
belong to her

shame
precedes
denial
guilt
follows
right
behind

the little boy
with his mouth hanging open
the little boy
with the empty look in his eyes
the little boy
who reminds her of the kids she avoided
as she pranced down the halls of jr. high

THIS CANNOT BE HER LITTLE BOY!!!!

There is an ugly side to this mother.

A side that sits obediently
at cocktail parties
and
potluck dinners

But
in the wake
of a photo
that manages to capture
what she sometimes hates
what she cannot fully comprehend
what she violently fears
there is nothing polite about the thoughts that crowd her

this is not the woman
you want to invite to dinner

tonight
she gives in
to her ugly side






3 comments:

Elise asd2mom.spaces.live.com said...

We all have those moments hon, its called being human. It's ok. You're allowed. And no,none of us like ourselves when we are like that. But these moments all pass too.

T.J. said...

Damn!! Why do I always cry reading your posts? You either provoke me with your humor or your raw honesty and emotion, and in the end, I can relate to all of it....
string cheese and all.

Kat said...

What a beautifully honest post. Seriously.
I think we all have that ugly side if we are honest with ourselves.

You are a spectacular mother. Loving, caring, protective, strong, supportive and all the rest. Give yourself a break.