He was born with big blue eyes, a headful of dark hair. He was screaming and wet when they first placed him on my chest and I knew instantly, in those first few seconds, that my world would never be the same. I fell madly in love and cried, and stared into a face that would forever be a part of me. And I dove head first into a love that I knew I could never fully comprehend. I promised him the world and when I finally slept, it was with one eye open.
Six years have passed. If possible, I am more in love now than that very first day we met. I sometimes have trouble looking at him without getting goosebumps. I gaze at school pictures, remembering my fears and excitement, his very first day of school, his backpack two sizes too big, swallowing his tiny frame.
I lingered in the classroom that day, mentally making sure it was safe for my monchichi. I studied the teacher intently, watched her greet her students, making sure her smile was sincere. I almost hesistated when I finally walked away. I wanted to run back and grab my son and never let him go. I was not prepared for this. He was growing up and I wanted to throw a tantrum.
Only a mother could understand my pain and confusion.
Now, first grade is one week away. First grade. I will buy him a new backpack and I will comb his hair. I will drive him to his new school, farther away from home than his first. I will linger in the classroom, speak with his teacher, and I will hesitate at the door when it is time for me to go. I will cry on the way home; there is so much pride and grief and fear. I am crying now, thinking of my little man growing faster than I can stand. His chubby fingers are getting longer. He is gawkier than ever and it just makes me want to protect him more. He is my newborn in a first grader's body.
How do I protect him from the world? How do I prevent him from falling, from bruising, from rejection? How do I keep from going crazy when he is in the care of someone who has far less invested in my little miracle?
How is this ever going to work?
*after being lazy and on vacation, I am back to blogging. Thank you, dear readers, for checking in!*